I Am Called Upon to Single-Handedly Reverse the Decline of Western Academia

So I took the PSAT a few months ago, and my score was: not bad. In any case, I'm coming to regret somewhat my decision to disclose my email to these College Board "folks" as I've been getting letters almost daily from strange academic institutions of higher learning. I've never heard of most of them, but the most cocktail-conversation-appropriate of them was from Columbia (which I have heard of). Part of it reads:

"Imagine yourself eating lunch in the cafe where Jack Kerouac wrote ...
... conducting research where the laser and FM radio were invented ...
... interning at an investment banking firm on Wall Street ...
... studying in buildings where Langston Hughes sparked the Harlem Renaissance ...
... on a traditional campus in New York City."

...Very modest I must say. Anyway, other notables included Univ. of Notre Dame (who predictably appealed to my faith), Stanford, and U of Pennsylvania. The latter two, however, simply invited me to attend some highschool level course bs, which my dad assured me was just a money making ploy. The annoying thing about a lot of these emails is that if you click on any link provided, they interperate this as "interest" and immediately bang off three more letters to you. This has happened several times.